My biology instructor is this really squirrelish looking guy. He’s overweight, has a double chin and a disgusting molester’stache, wears very large glasses that magnify the size of his eyes, and the top of his bald head is badly concealed by a very thin, grey combover. He’s basically Milton from Office Space. He’s a smart guy, though.
My group sits at the very front of the class, right in front of his desk. Today was our first biology lab and near the end of the lab when everyone was setting up the last parts of their experiment, he sat down at his table and started talking to my group. He said, “You know, the laboratory is probably the most dangerous part of your college careers. You always have to be on the tip of your toes.”
I thought to myself, “Wow, what a really inappropriate thing to say on the FIRST DAY OF LAB.” Now I’ll have his words hanging over my head for the rest of the year.
This Venezuelan girl in my group, the star student that always has something to add into discussions no matter what the discussion is about, then started to tell a story. “When I was in high school, I always loved labs and chemistry. I was always sitting up front to see all the action! One time, my teacher did an experiment with sulfur and I took a big whiff of the sulfur and it caked my lungs! I was coughing so much! But what I’m really surprised about is the household cleaners that can be mixed and can cause toxic fumes!”
My instructor said, “Yeah…you always have to watch out for that kinda stuff. When I was a grad student, I was cleaning my shower and I thought to myself, ‘Well I need to clean this shower. Bleach is good. And so is ammonia!’ BIG MISTAKE. I was lucky I made it out of there alive!”
I didn’t want to say anything snappy but, of all people, I would’ve thought that a SCIENCE MAJOR in GRAD SCHOOL would know the basic formula for guerrilla mustard gas. Before you read this story, take a look at the drawing I drew up there. I mean, take a real look at it. Just imagine that guy, with his magnified eyes, telling you the following story.
He then continued with, “But if you want to hear about a lab accident, I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT A LAB ACCIDENT! In one of the graduate classes I was teaching, a young lady in my class was emptying a tank of toxic waste. She somehow slipped or lost her grip or something and ended up spilling the toxic waste ALL OVER HER BODY. I mean, it was soaked into her shirt and into her jeans, it was EVERYWHERE. I pulled out the Geiger counter and she just lit up like an ATOMIC BOMB. I asked her, ‘Would you rather lose your dignity or have prolonged exposure to radioactive waste?’ She chose to lose her dignity. I stripped her naked down to her BIRTHDAY SUIT and put her under that lab safety shower. I mean, she was BARE NAKED. NO BRA! NO PANTIES! I hosed her down with soap and water until the Geiger counter was back to normal. We had her clothes sitting up in the sealed room for 4 months before she was able to take them back in order for the radiation to decompose.”
I asked, “She chose to keep her clothes after she spilled radioactive waste on them?”
“Well, I guess she really liked those jeans.”
It sounded like a story I’d hear by a drunk under a bridge.
